What's up Jersey?

Spending the weekend in Jersey while Charlie & Rachel relax in Puerto Rico. Can you believe this Auntie forgot her camera? Guess getting up to pack @ 0430 was a mistake. Tonight we have soccer, tomorrow ballet and baseball. The kids have asked to go to the Philly zoo, but I don't think it will be warm enough.

P.S. Falling in love with Rachel's iPad, who knew it'd be this fun and easy to use?

Home

It was 9 years ago today that I signed on the line and bought my first home. Who'd have thought that I'd still be here? Definitely not me. I thought I'd stay maybe three or four years and then get a house with my future husband, or maybe even move to a new city. Fast forward those couple of years, and the housing market tanks, there's no husband to speak of, and I can't commit to a permanent move. So here I am, feeling a little trapped, but still in love with my house. Condo life isn't for everyone, and some days, it's not for me. My neighbors make me crazy, but without them I'd miss all the fighting, motorcycles and bouncing basketballs.

My condo is still a work in progress, and I figure once it's done, I'll just redo it. My upstairs bath is half done, and I need to put tile in the kitchen and laundry room, and then I'm out of projects. Well, major projects at least. There's still spackle that needs sanded off, walls that need paint touch ups and trim to be installed. One of these days I'll get around to my house to-do list.

The girl that bought this house is so different from the one I see in the mirror today, but she'll always be my naive, innocent and hopeful self. That girl envisioned a life centered around making her hopes and dreams come true and had to learn that life doesn't always follow your plans, and is unpredictable at best. It was a cruel lesson that started the very next day with a cancer diagnosis.

So this condo has meant more to me than I ever thought a house could. It's my refuge from the outside world, but also the place where I've healed and found ways to make new dreams come true. Selling it one day will be difficult since I'm so emotionally attached, but it's inevitable. I can't stay forever. This condo has been the one constant in my life, other than my family, and I'm so grateful to the girl I once was that thought buying a condo was a good idea.

Nine years, while not forever, is still a victory in so many ways.

wild weekend

if you follow me on twitter, then you know that there was some action this weekend at work. sometimes it's more ridiculous than you could even imagine. when I tell people my stories, they think I exaggerate, but no, there is just straight up foolishness that walks through the door. most of the work we do is pretty boring: ear infections, fractures, strep, boils, rashes, pink eye, and std's. nothing that is an actual emergency. so when a GSW walks in the door, chaos ensues. but we worked through it and everybody survived, so it's just another day in the ED.

on a happier note, spring came early to Cleveland this year. we've already had 10 days of 70+ degree weather. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!! it's been a little cooler the last few days, but all the trees and bulbs are in bloom and I'm hopeful that we've seen the last of winter. mild winters are my new favorite thing. I turned my heat off the first warm day, so each mild day is saving me money :)

headed to jersey on thursday, super excited to spend the weekend with the kids. hopefully the weather will stay nice and we can do some fun outdoor activities. got a tentative schedule from C3, not sure why he didn't include 'go to philly' on it. guess we'll just add it to the list.

where to begin?

Saying it's been a while is an understatement. I never thought I'd go more than a year without blogging. It's such great therapy for me to put all the craziness in my life in a post that I'm not sure why I lost my voice. I could blame it on having a job that isn't my dream, night shift, failed relationships, etc., etc., but maybe I just needed a break. Writing about work helps me process some of the horrible and ridiculous things I see at work, but did I let blogging take the place of actually talking to another human being?

In that regard, I've been trying to be better about keeping in touch, which is a struggle most days. Over the past few years, I feel like I've slowly disengaged. At first I blamed night shift for isolating me from the rest of the world, but I realize now that I made some poor choices along the way. Some days it's just easier to hide out in my house and not deal with the world. If you have my number, then you know I rarely answer my phone. I'll text or tweet, but I'm pretty non-committal after that. Still not sure how I got to this point, but here I am, trying to fix my mistakes.

I worry that I've ruined relationships I've had for years. Ruined is kind of a strong word, I guess taken-for-granted might be a better way to explain it. When I do decide to reach out, I fully expect that nothing has changed, and life just goes on. P.S. excuse my absence from your life. Interesting approach, right? Even better, I have no valid reason for being incommunicado. It's almost like I let it get so bad, that it's easier to keep ignoring it. Everyday there are people I could call, but for whatever reason, I just don't.

With all that said, I almost feel worse for admitting it. But acknowledgement is half the battle, right? Will I call anyone today? Probably not, but you never know. It's just so hard when I feel like we have nothing in common anymore. How do we transition our relationship from what it was to one that includes husbands & kids without me feeling like the odd one out? Maybe it's just me being insecure, and I need to get over myself.

A lot of my apprehension stems from being used by a former friend to lie to her husband. The 3 of us went to high school together, and we'd all known each other for forever, but she fully expected that our friendship would trump both my morale code and my friendship with her husband. In the end, she's still married, probably still telling lies, and I'm out 2 friends. Do I think it was a healthy friendship? Not exactly, but it's hard to dismiss it when there's such a history. Walking away was and still is hard. We live in the same town, and I'm amazed that in 3 years we've never run into each other. How weird is that? Not sure what I'd say if we did run into each other. Sad how one relationship can affect so many others, intentional or not.

So that's where I'm at, still trying to figure out life, and failing on so many levels.